Better Off Alone
by Jumpback- Im poetry in Motion
Summary: Kyo is troubled yet agian, Kaoru pulls him close for compfort only to shatter it..Yaoi KyoxKarou


Disclaimer: I don't own Dir en Grey

**Author's Note:**No flames, this really didn't happen, but the mail man did find Kyo like that, so I came up with a sernario :3, enjoy but be warned its very sad

* * *

Its hard to keep feelings locked up. I learned that along the way but I can't change what is already written. With all the lies that I've said, the truths I have spilled, there really is nothing left for me here. Even now, as I scream with the up roared crowd, I am screaming for my soul. I am lost. Kaoru always told me that when I was upset. _"Your just a little lost Kyo, don't worry, you'll find yourself again soon." _I always laughed in my head about his words. But he is the only one that ever understood or even bothered to say hello in the morning to me.

I can only smile and think of his soft face and wavy hair, the glasses that complete his look. I always mocked him for them but truly, I wish I could pull them off… I sighed and collect myself bowing before exiting the stage. Kaoru catches my arm from behind, "You heading home so soon Kyo-san?" he smiles, oh that smile. "Yeah I am. We have two more weeks before the next concert.." The smile disappears so I try to spark it up again, "Why do you ask?" There it is, the sweet smile. "I was going to get a drink, but I know your not a very big drinker…" He says slowly, this time I frown.

:No, I'll go…I could use a drink." I say running my hand through my sweaty hair, its gross. Kaoru flashes another smile, "Lets change before we go though--" He laughs, looking at both of us now, we're both sweaty. His stench smells better then mine….that's gross to even think that.

We meet at the door and continue down the street until we turn to a small bar at the corner, still very close to the place we just performed. We sit at a back table and order drinks. Its quiet for a few moments before Kaoru ruffles through the backpack he had on, I don't remember him having one when we left, oh well. He pulls out a DVD and hands it to me, "I forgot to return that to you last time. Thanks for letting me borrow it." I look down, it's Gundam Wing….I was wondering where it went. Kaoru laughs and shakes his head, "What?" He shrugs, so do I. Things go back to quiet. We respect the silent company of each other. This is how it always is when me and Kaoru are together, we sync perfectly with each other.

It isn't long before both of us are drunk, and trying to read the bill. It comes out to be very expensive but, Kaoru pays for me, I'm thankful. We stumble down the street until we reach his apartment building. He looks down at me, I look up. This is I realize his eyes are the prettiest one's I've seen…prettier than Shinya's. He gives his drunken grin, "Can you make it home…?" I look over my shoulder and down the street, its about another half a mile to my apartment complex. I only shrug. "Maybe.."

Kaoru frowns but, his eyes flicker. "Why don't you stay the night, I don't want you to get kidnapped!" I laugh lightly at his joke, I haven't laughed in along time. "Okay." As we trek up the two flights of stairs, it is already affecting Kaoru and I both. _Damn, now I really wish I never smoked at all…_Is all I can think, Finally when we did make it up, It took us several tries to get the key in the hole. Are drunken laughter fill the hallway, the resident across the hall shouts for us to shut the fuck up. We hide our snickers but, then we can't open the door, We both ram into it, falling onto the floor, on each other. Of course Kaoru turned trying to catch himself.

Now I am straddling his hips, our chests pressed together. I lift myself and laugh again, so does he. I know my face is red because I can feel it upon my face. Kaoru's face is only slightly flushed but now I realize what he truly looks like. With his long black hair sprawled out under his head, no glasses; he is beautiful. His glasses are in an unknown place, neither of us is concerned. We only stay there, gazing at each other awkwardly. He makes an attempt to itch his nose without his hands, he's so adorable when he does that. Kaoru's hands glide up to my thighs, resting there. His foot closes the door behind us.

We smile.

I place my hands on his chest, I can feel his heart beat beneath my palms, I want to cry, to tell him _I love him, _hoping he will love me back. Even if it only for tonight. Our lips collide softly and we make our way to his bedroom, a wave of lust overflowing us. I really want to cry now. Even though this isn't very romantic, the way he throws me onto the bed, as we rip each others clothes off, I could careless. His calloused-guitar fingers run over my body, I can only shudder from the sweet pleasure. Our bodies are getting tangled, both of us are fighting for the dominance for top, of course I soon get tired of trying to pin him down. I let him do as he pleases.

His lips are so soft, his back, so comforting. I'm completely intoxicated by him, I completely submit to him as he slams me up against the backboard of his bed, I cry out as my hips are gripped and thrusted into. It lasts awhile, the ache. I've never been with Kaoru…but this…at this moment…its what I always dreamed of it being like. Rough but gentle…._bittersweet_ some might call it. I bite my lip, I continue to cry out for him. He returns with his thrusts. Our lips barely touch, I want them to touch, so badly do I want them to touch. But his are to preoccupied breathing heavily into my neck. His hot breath against me, it only makes me want him more. I cry out again before its all over. I can feel that he's climaxed too. But he doesn't want to stop. He continues holding onto my thighs, griping tightly. I can't hold on much longer, my mouth is so filled with drool, I can't take it. My orgasm covers our chests, its starting to reek. But if its for Kaoru then, I'll let him do what he wants, I'm enjoying it. It only lasts another round, when we climax together, again.

*****

After I left that night…we haven't spoken since. I miss his touch. I miss his lips. I want him again but each time I call him, he doesn't answer. I cry to myself every time he doesn't pick up. I just want to be with him again. I'm so upset I started again. Little ones at first.. but they gradually become bigger. I want to stop but its my only escape. I finally muster up the courage to walk to his place, see what's up. When I get there…I see in the window as I pass, he is with Toshiya. I should have known. Why would Kaoru want me when he could have Toshiya? I sighed, I feel empty. I didn't expect it to hurt so much.

_I'm crying…why am I crying?! Stop it….Kyo your pathetic…Jesus Christ , your stronger than this…_

My throat begins to close up as the revealing tears roll down my face. I want to die. I want to die at this very second. My heart is pounding. Maybe I can be so ashamed of myself, I can stop dead in my tracks. But no such luck, I can make it all the way to my apartment, my crappy, crappy apartment and take the razor from my draw. I sit, dragging it across my wrist. The pain is replaced with fear. Blood rushes out of me, I'm only struck with fear as I run down the hall, clutching my wrist to my body, heading for the door. Of course, with my luck, my fingers are covered in blood, I cannot open the door. I cry again, now I don't want to die. I want to live, see Kaoru's face again. I fumble with my handle, I scream slightly as I kick the door. I need to get out. My vision is blurring. _No no! Not now! Not in such a pathetic way! Dammit Kyo! _I leaned back, onto the floor, my kicks to the door are weakening. It opens. It shows the mail man, he is shouting. He calls for help. I smile lightly. I can only think about Kaoru, our night together…. I can only think about what will happen tomorrow… I can only think that I'm better off alone..


End file.
